Hm. I just read a few journals I wrote years back. I told you more then. I used to tell you almost everything. I know why I stopped. I got a job, and I was afraid I'd write inappropriate things my boss might happen to read. I know at least one of them has a dA account. But it's been two months since I left their office and I shouldn't have to worry about that anymore.

So, what's going on nowadays?

Job

As you may have noticed I got a job in April 2008, and I quit in January 2009. It was a great job in many perspectives, and they wanted me there much enough that they offered me a raise when I said I was leaving, provided I'd stay of course. It was tempting, but I have other plans. The last two months were spent trying to find a replacement for me, and my last week I spent teaching the new girl how to do everything. She left two days after me, quite a failure. Please don't apply for a job where you will have written communication with the customers if you can't even spell simple words like "chair". It's common sense, for crying out loud.

Funeral

When I was three years old, my mom and dad separated, by dad moving out while the rest of the family stayed in the big house. A year or two later another man moved into our house, and while I never called him dad (since we were still visiting our real dad every other week) he did stay for quite a while. This other man, whom I'll call my step dad in this little text, even though I never did that either, had two children of his own, a girl the same age as me, and a son two years younger than us. They, too, were living with their mother far far away, and only came visiting once in a while. Needless to say, they hated my mom and we hated their dad.

He was a handy man, although he wasn't very good at it. When things broke, he'd fix them. When they were whole, he'd break them. "If it aint broke, don't fix it" was something we told him often. He kept the house in shape; painted it once a year, fixed the roof, built sheds on the big yard, mowed the lawn, cut dead trees, trimmed the hedge, etc. He did a lot of work around the house, as well as working almost 90 minutes by car away from the house.

When I was 12-13 he drove drunk into a tree. He wasn't hurt, but the car was completely destroyed, as well as the tree. By-passers called the ambulance, they realized he was drunk, and he eventually got sentenced to two months jail time and regular AA meetings. This caused a lot of stress for the family, mom was really upset (the crying kind of upset). She loved him very much, but this wasn't the first time he was driving drunk, and apparently he was drunk quite often. I'm impressed I didn't notice it until this happened, he was hiding it well. I guess mom noticed because she could smell his breath way more often than me, what with them kissing and such.

A year after that incident, in 2000, mom caught him with another woman. I guess the stress from everyone trying to make him stop drinking (he was an alcoholic) made him seek refuge somewhere else. This created hell in our house. After two months of screaming and yelling he moved. Mom lost almost 20 kg in three weeks, she was so upset she couldn't eat. Without him around the house to maintain it, the house slowly decayed, and a month before my 18th birthday in 2004 we moved.

He was found dead on December 16th, 2008.

The funeral was on February 9th this year. I haven't talked to his kids since he moved out 8-9 years ago. Seeing them crying their hearts out was really painful. I never appreciated the man while he was living with us (except when I was 5, I told mom I wanted to marry him), but over the years I have heard things that made me at least respect him. He hid his drinking well enough that I really didn't notice until mom started yelling about it. He was always happy and friendly with the neighbors, and probably with his co-workers too. He really did go to those AA meetings when things were rough, and he really did care about my mom.

Seeing how sad my mom was on the funeral also hurt a lot. She tried so hard to help him, because she wanted him to stay. A lot of "what if"s ran through my mind at the funeral. What if he'd managed to get his drinking under control, would he still be living with my mom now? What if he hadn't met that other woman? What if us kids had been more friendly towards him at home? Would my mom be happier?

He left our house as an unwanted guest, but he left this world as a respected and missed man.

Family

You may have noticed I never talk about my dad. I never talk to my dad either. I don't remember how long it's been now, but in August 3-5 years ago there was a big fight ending with him and his girlfriend screaming "get the hell out of here" to me and my siblings, so we did and I haven't talked to them since. When I was little he was the bestest man ever, but as I grew up he was becoming a bad influence, and I decided my life will be much better off without him. It is.

I lived with my mom until I was 21. She may not be a perfect woman, or a perfect mom, but it's always nice to go back home to her. Normally she's watching the sci-fi channel on TV, things like Stargate, CSI, Andromeda, and I don't know what you kids watch anymore. She hardly ever takes the time to cook, but she does know a few great recipes. You all know I'm not the talkative kind, but once a month or so she calls me or I call her and we talk for an hour about everything. She let me live at home without paying rent without complaining until I moved out of my own, and for that I am forever grateful.

I'm not very friendly with my sister (6 years older than me), the situation between us is very much like the one with dad. Except I don't dare not picking up the phone when she calls, because when the family gets together it would be incredibly awkward if we didn't talk. So as much as I'd want to not have to deal with her, I keep it civilized. Once upon a time I looked up to her and thought she was the coolest person ever, she was everything I wanted to be. As she grew out of those good habits into a lot of bad habits, my admiration died. She's got some emotional issues, and as her sister I should be good and help her get through it all, but it's just so difficult when I've got issues of my own.

I don't talk very often to my brother (4 years older than me), but that's really because we're not very close. I like him, he's one of the few people who knows how to make me laugh. Unfortunately we're both very headstrong and we have very different opinions about some things, so sometimes we end up arguing. But it's all good, because we can both just shut of and ignore what was said, and just pretend like nothing happened, and start having fun again.

After mom, my other brother (2 years older than me) is the one I talk to the most. When I grew up I hated him, hated him forever!!!1! He was such an asshole, and his fists were painful so I kept having to run outside without shoes on just to get away from him. That all changed when I started highschool in the big bad town, and he told me that "if anyone's messing with my little sister, they'll be in trouble". It came as a shock when he told me, really. Since then he's been protecting and caring. When I was going to job interviews a year ago, he called me right away asking how it went - not even mom does that. He's invited me to some of his truck adventures, some of you may remember the half finished story I started writing about our trip to Austria a while back.

Roze

I'm still happily living with my soul mate. It's been almost two years, and things are still great. The most magical part of it all is that I can be a real pain to live with, and he's ok with that. He accepts me just the way I am, knowing all the pros and cons. I think some of my online friends might say "so would I!" but really, you don't know it all.

We've invested in furniture, and the apartment is starting to look like we actually chose things to be the way they are, rather than "meh, it's what we had to work with". Maybe one day I'll get some of my old photos back onto the wall, especially the photos of pets from when I was really little. I always had them up, and these past two years I've missed seeing them.

Not sure what it's gonna be like to be away from him for three weeks, but I'll soon find out. I'm sure I'll be really happy to get back home.

He's on the couch right now, making funny faces at me.





If there's anything else you'd want a more in-depth journal about, let me know and I'll see what I can do

I'm sure I'll write some more tomorrow.