For two weeks I woke up around 8-9 am every day, but didn't leave bed until 11 or later. It really bugged me, because I felt powerless - without a "real" reason to get up I couldn't bring myself to do it. That's the depression winning against me. I know a lot of you would probably think "all you have to do is sit up and get dressed", but really, I was apathetically immobilized every morning. It's one of those things you won't understand unless it happens to you.

So to battle this I tried going to bed earlier, because I was sure the feeling saying "you can't stay in bed that long!" would win over the depression. I was wrong. Several of those mornings I'd been in bed for 12 or more hours and still had trouble getting up.

Last week I came up with the solution. What I needed was a reason to get up, so I gave myself a reason. I packed my laptop (the one I haven't used for over a year due to a borked installation) and a Kubuntu disc, and decided to go to work with Roze and sit in his office. He works half time (4 hours a day), and has his own little office with a really big desk. So on Friday morning I got up around 7 am (with the help of an alarm clock, of course), got out of bed, had breakfast, and left the apartment.

Weekends are good, I get up when Roze hollers "breakfast is ready", because I don't want my tea to get cold. And on Monday I had to be up in time to do the laundry at 8 am, because we can't access the laundry facilities unless we book them a week in advance. On Tuesday I got my laptop again and followed Roze to work, as well as Wednesday and Thursday (yesterday). I've spent a considerable less amount on dAmn the past two weeks than I have in months. I've gotten lots of offline things done, such as laundry and dishes, and I've spent time coding on a PHP project. Starting to function like a human being again, instead of a pile of apathy.

My plan right now is to keep following Roze to work with my laptop until I feel I can trust myself to do good without leaving the apartment. I also need to find a job somewhere, but to ensure I don't get too stressed out from not having any time for myself (like I did last year), I'll try to find a part time job. Since we're getting by on Roze working half time alone, there's no point in me making a wreck of myself again by getting another full time job.





I've been working together with `Zikes on something really exciting. Not gonna tell you what it is until it's ready for launch, and maybe it never will be, but it's helping me learn more PHP/MySQL. I'm starting to feel confident in what I can do with this code, and it would be fun to launch a project useful to the masses (because this far I've only coded little things for myself).

_{Not that Zikes needs my help on this, if he had more time I'm sure he'd do it all himself.}

I wouldn't have gotten anywhere at all with learning PHP if it weren't for Roze helping me. Google is definitely not my friend, so whenever I run into trouble I can search for hours on end without solving anything, and then Roze just looks at it for a minute and problem is solved. I don't understand how he can stand my childish aggressiveness when things go wrong, but I'm really happy that he does.





If anyone knows of any fun browser based games, feel free to let me know.

I've played Tribal Wars and kinda liked it (for a while), but I'm looking for something less PvP and more collecting/gathering things. I think I might have a light case of OCD when it comes to collecting stuff and organizing it. (That's why PHP/MySQL is so much fun, I can collect data in an easy-to-manage way and then organize it with PHP.)

Journal CSS by `nokari